August 22 10:15 PM
David to me:
One more thing on my mind. About God’s presence. Jesus’s touch. His voice. The story of the past 12 months of my life is–and this is crystal clear to me–all about God shaping my relationships and experiences to bring me closer to Him. So I can see His hands at work in my past, and I can see them in my present, with Luke and Sam here at VCU. In those relationships, mainly through Sarah, and now through you, I’ve learned a little about His voice and His presence. Just a little, but enough to get that it’s powerful and that I want to hear Him and feel Him.
But there’s the rub. I don’t. C.S. Lewis wrote about God’s three persons as being God far outside of you, Jesus next to you and always with you, and the Holy Spirit inside you. Working with that description, I’ve only recognized the first, the distant God, in my life. You pray for Jesus to touch me, to let me feel His presence, and I pray for the same thing: I need to feel you. Show me where you are. And all I feel is a vague sensation in my head from having my eyes closed and head bowed for too long. More like a headache than the Holy Spirit.
Part of all this could be me blowing off steam because I’m worn out. If it was earlier and I was more awake, I’d be reading and praying on Experiencing God and probably growing a lot. But right now I have the terrible feeling of missing something important, not being sure what it is I’m missing, and being powerless to do anything about it.
So that’s what I’ll be praying on as I get ready for bed. Thank you for all your support.
Sun, Aug 22, 2010 at 10:40 PM
David to me:
I’d like to modify that slightly. In July, I was having a moment of crisis about where my life would go. I was praying for answers and reassurance, and I promptly got some. But it wasn’t so inside of me as I would expect, or as I’m used to hearing. Right as I finished the last of my questions, I heard something and glanced up. This firefly had flown through my door and into my room. I got up and chased him out, but as I did so, an idea popped into my head. What I thought was that this firefly was a little message from God, that I should chill out and leave it to Him, because he had a plan and everything was going to be great. For the record, I had a lamp on, so I saw the bug, not its light.
That thought clearly wasn’t mine, since it sounds silly and I don’t often think like that. But since that occasion was so . . . mechanical, I can’t draw a connection from that one event to really communicating with God. So my point is that I’m not sure that I’ve never felt God’s presence or never heard His voice. I have absolutely no idea
I have a lot of learning to do. That book’s subtitle, “Knowing and doing the will of God,” really jumped out at me. When you gave it to me, it seemed to be exactly what I needed. And if it’s scared the pants off the devil already, it must be. So right now I don’t have any more answers to my questions than I did before. But I feel a lot better about getting to them soon.
Thanks for listening,